This is Personal Shit and I’m too exhausted to learn how to do a cut so bear with me and scroll past this if you want. All I know is that I need to put this down despite me shaking and sobbing while doing it.
Her name is Molly and she is the best kitty ever. I know that a lot of people would say that if asked and that I’m a bit biased, but it’s true. She’s been with me for at least twelve years now, if not more and as it usually does shit’s happened in that decade. Through half a dozen moves she’s always adapted and…the funniest thing is that she’s small. If I had to guess I’d say she was probably the runt of the litter, but she still has attitude and just is nice to everyone. Dogs, bunnies, children, old people, and just strangers in general; if they’re nice to her she’s nice back. Cats on the other hand is the opposite because she has made it clear she doesn’t like other cats, She feels as though she’s the queen and no one is threatening that. But as I said, she’s got attitude.
Molls has just been in a downslide these last few weeks and I think that’s what makes it hit harder. I mean, we knew she might have arthritis in her hips because she is a senior kitty, but then that turned into kidney problems. And today we went to the vet, a different one than before, because she’s been peeing all over the house which she usually doesn’t do unless she’s pissed. The vet just came in and just laid out the facts: it’s not just kidneys, there’s jaundice set in, and likely bladder infections, and just a list a mile long. And the vet said that we could go for it, try to save her but with her age and it would have to be 24/7 care likely in a hospital and very expensive, but that we would likely still lose her. That to euthanize her would be the less painful way and that it wouldn’t drag it out.
And I agree because I’ve been looking at her today and it’s not the same cat. She can’t cuddle with me like she used to and especially today if she walks it looks like she’s going to fall over. And she also seems to have no control over her bladder and is either too weak or too nauseous to clean after herself leading to her lower half being disgusting. She can’t hunt like she likes to and….
A week or so back we (my mother and I) talked to a animal communicator. This was before she got to the way she is now and we were just trying to get a scope of how to not let her slide like she has. While I am inclined through my genes to be more logical than spiritual, I was willing to try because Molly is not a pet she’s a family member. And the woman we spoke to said numerous things, but what is really coming back to me now is that dignity and pride are really important to Molly. She sees herself as a fierce hunter and loyal, which she is.
Except right now she’s not. The example I can think of is it’s like she’s a great war veteran that earned the purple heart in battle but at the age of 80 can’t even use the bathroom for themselves, can’t do anything. Right now she is covered in her own urine even though we try to clean her and that is not dignity, that is not prideful. It’s not what she deserves.
The communicator also said that Molly wasn’t ready to go, that she still had life in her even though she was hurting. And obviously that was then and this is now and a lot has changed between that time, but I see the life in her eyes. And maybe that’s how I’m going to rationalize it tomorrow, that doing this will just free her from the body that’s failing her.
Frankly, I don’t even know if I want to be there tomorrow. Molly is a family member and my dearest, closest friend. She’s been there through middle school, high school, depression, fleeting thoughts of suicide, and everything else in between. And what hurts to most is knowing that no matter how many pictures I take, or how many videos or recordings, I won’t be able to hold her again. I won’t hear her purr, she won’t bat at my hand anymore when I play with her. Her ears won’t flick when i rub them, they won’t feel smooth. She won’t try and bite me in her playful way with her snagle tooth mouth. She won’t nose me and rub up again my legs. She won’t curl into a ball and then furl open so that she can get a belly rub or try and trap my hand. She won’t meow at me or scratch at my door or jump into bed with me despite know my punk ass will probably kick her off. She won’t be there asleep for me to find when I come home for the weekend from college. She just won’t exist anymore.
And I don’t know if I can stand being there to see her go limp and her body grow cold. But I know that I have to be there for her and that there has to be an end otherwise this wound in my heart will fester into something worse. I told her today, I said that I wish I could say that I had never done this partnership we have but I can’t because no matter the end everything else has helped getting me to this point. She is a pillar that’s held me up and despite that it might not grow past tomorrow, it’s still going to be there.
Today in the waiting room there was a woman with her dog and she talked with my mom, because I guess that’s what normal people do, chat each other up at the vets, about her daughter who has 3 cats. And the lady said that witches were said to have “familiars” and that if you were every around the daughter and her cats, that’s exactly what it seems like.
I’d like to say that that is what Molly is to me, but all I know is that she is apart of my soul. And even though it will pain me to see her go, I know that it will help her be free of her old body and help her be free from pain. And she deserves that for seeing me grow up.